Pregnancy Explained by a Dude….For Dudes
A Fact Based Scientific Study
By Lee Fahy
Conception – The ONLY fun part….period…… If married this is usually precluded by a begging stage (since self respect left the building long ago)
The Embryonic State -lasts for 2-8 weeks and rapid cellular division occurs, (looks like an ameba, or a squiggle line for the stupid people out there).
1.Tender boobies means grabby-ness tends to end with an “accidental” punch in your neck (grabber beware)
Morning yack breath is a possibility
Suggestion- avoid morning kiss goodbye
This stage is void if married longer than 1 year anyway (romance left the building shortly after your self respect)
No weight gain…….yet
This may not be true IF she knows she’s pregnant, or may suspect she’s pregnant
If she even THINKS she’s preggers, she will immediately start eating for a family of five…seriously, get a second job, you’ll need the money
The thingy is starting to resemble a non-alien form
At this stage your kids “package” is developing
She pees every four seconds, literally.
She will have to pee every time groceries are carried in, vacuuming needs to be done…or generally when work rears its ugly head you will hear, “Oooooo, oooooo…..I have to pee,” apparently peeing now takes 3 hours to complete as well.
How can you take in one ounce of liquid and pee for twenty minutes?
Ans: Pregnancy symptoms are a conspiracy hatched by women, for women.
Sidebar Note: Somewhere there are evil genius women hatching plans and twisting mustaches thinking of romantic comedies and pregnancy symptoms for man torture purposes.
The thingy within starts to punch stuff, she will tell you to feel her belly. You will put your hand there….feel nothing, then be required to smile and nod like she’s not bat-shit crazy (see mood meter below) while she looks expectantly at you for a reaction.
The mood meter below describes a variety of emotions she can travel through in a period of 7 seconds. The mood will remain slightly between bat shit crazy and psychotic for the next month.
For some reason at this point they start counting the pregnancy in weeks, who the hell knows why, don’t ask.
(The sections are (from left to right) Almost Tolerable, Bat Shit Crazy, Good Old Fashioned Psychotic, Contemplating how hard it is to dig a husband size hole in the back yard and One wet towel on the bedroom floor away from committing murder.)
**Note: If you make the mistake of asking, expect the mood meter to peg out at Murder Level.
During Month Three she will have:
More Peeing….as if this is even possible
The only good news is the boobies are getting bigger
Note, the longer you stare the more the needle on the mood meter moves to the right
To sum up Month Three
She’s now sweaty, peeing at an alarming rate, “huskie” and nauseous…..can you say AWESOME
Side Note: This was never in the book about the miracle of birth, somebody sold you LIES, LIES!!!
At this point the author suggests not saying the following lines EVER:
I forgive you for your hormone-induced rage.
Hey Chubbs, easy on the pork chops, I know it’s been 8 minutes since your last feeding but damn, come on I haven’t had one yet!
Do NOT EVER slowly walk up behind them, grab their hips and moo like a dairy cow.
She finally stops peeing every ten seconds, it will slowly back off to about every fourteen and a half minutes.
The belly is gaining quickly in the great “Boobies Vs Belly Race Off”
She should be finished Chucking every morning, so avoiding her for the first three hours of the day is unnecessary
Note: There are still plenty of reasons to avoid her for the first three hours of the day anyway….be creative and pick one.
She’s going to be tired all the time (See first Sidebar Note about Conspiracy)
The remedy (at home of course!) is to beach oneself on the couch, eat ice cream sandwiches and vent to Oprah.
Remedy two is for her to call her mother thirteen times a day and cluck about how bad men suck.
Let the games begin.
How many times can I send my husband to the store for frosting covered beef jerky before he breaks?
Will he make me a fish stick-tartar sauce omelet with green beans?
Weight gain continues and nothing else happens, like July baseball this stage may seem to last FOREVER.
She may also have a shortness of breath, not just from screaming herself hoarse at you for not immediately understanding the importance of picking out the stroller half a year early.
Side Note: Only Miss Cleo can pull off the psychic bit but your woman will expect this ability on a regular basis….or there WILL BE PAIN.
7. Month Six
1. Baby is apparently trying to punch its way out to freedom.
Think the closing scene of Alien Part One when it punches through Sigorny Weavers chest….
The temptation to poke the pregnant one is NIGH TO IRRESISTABLE
Refrain from part B, she WILL punch you in the neck
Your lovely lady is now:
Spherical in shape
Apparently her brand of gravity attracts weird food combinations instead of moons and other planets
She may now have developed blotchy skin as well
She’s probably short of breath all the time
During month Seven they develop the dreaded Kankles
This is the case where the calf attaches itself to the heal by completely bypassing the ankle
Due to “Swelling of the Ankles”….my ass it is, could it be due to eating frosting covered movie popcorn with a 3 Lb skittle chaser?
- She will experience occasional headaches during the month
Good news, these “headaches” should only last for the next fifty years…. usually brought on by you being “in the mood” good decision to get married champ, nice move.
She may experience difficulty sleeping and you know what that means?
ANS- YOU may also experience difficulty sleeping…. Imagine that huh?
- 10.Month Nine
So by now she may have gained more than 30 pounds, ya I said THIRTY pounds!
Resist the urge to slip a couple of orange flags in her back pants pockets and giggle every time she backs up while you make “BEEP BEEP” noises.
She’s going to pop this thing out and its going to smell funny and be gross. Don’t tape it, that’s gross.
Side Note: If you see some guy with the uterus cam in the next delivery room with his wife you are completely entitled to punch him in the face for being gross.
When the deed finally goes down try not to YAK on her and when they ask you to cut stuff here is the procedure:
Once again try not to Yak on your wife
Feel free to death glare the nurse or doctor who asked you to cut the cord, frickin sick.
Politely say no thank you, this is your wife’s moment, don’t make a scene
Make sure they clean that little bugger off before they hand it to you, otherwise you get baby leftovers on you and that’s gross.
Side Note: Did you know babies pee in the womb and then wallow in their own filth for MONTHS before delivery? Nasty, make them hose that crap off before they hand ‘em to you. PS Do you think the baby is in the womb with its mouth closed? That baby has had PEE IN ITS MOUTH! Aaaack, chew it back, try not to think about it when they hand the thing to you.